In loving memory

Followed my student's Spotify playlist as she recommended and chanced upon this song. The writer wrote it in remembrance of his grandma. Sad lyrics, which reminded me of my late grandma too. One part of the lyrics hit home: "I sat with you beside your bed & cried for things that I wished I'd said. And if I live past 72, I hope I'm half as cool as you." :'( 

Mama (grandma). Hope you've been well. Nine years flew by so fast. I miss our weekly phone calls and random chatter. Your crinkled smile. Your sad eyes when you recall the hard life you went through.

I wished I'd been more careful with my words. I wish I could take back what I said when I asked about your past. I saw the pain on your face, but being so young, I thought nothing of it until of late. I'm sorry. I guess it's too late to ask for forgiveness.

Now, I share our memories with my students through a poem they learn about a living photograph. The grandmother in the poem reminds me of you; gone, yet alive in my heart.

When I see you again, please welcome me with open arms. Just like old times.

I love you always. 

HELLO EVERYONE!

this teacher is still alive. I think this year has been less chaotic compared to last year. Last year, i had SO many shite to learn, i just could not keep up. This year, my head is more level-headed. But Still got LOTS to learn.

Every day I envy my mum who's retired; she wakes up, and the whole day she spends it chilling and doing whatever she likes. I can't wait to retire. :O

But I also must enjoy my young adulthood. I've wasted it pretty much D: my few years left before the big three oh! DAMN.

AGE waits for no one. NO ONE.

Had one of the busiest weeks this week; lack of sleep, non-stop action, MC-ing, corresponding with VIPs etc. Made me feel exhausted, spent, tired and discouraged I could not focus on my research.

After a tiring two-day run, I dreaded going for the meet with my supervisors because i wana go for the meeting feeling excited, fresh and rejuvenated, not tired and discouraged. But the things he had to say greatly encouraged me, reminding me to persevere on and to work hard.

I hope i keep going and staying afloat!

John Watson: You didn't kill Mary. Mary died saving your life. Her choice. No one made her do it... you did not kill her.

Sherlock Holmes: In saving my life she conferred a value on it - it's a currency I do not know how to spend.

bazinga!

i realized many things.

i realized... i ought to be more initiative in my actions, in work. 

i realized i ought to ask more and stop assuming things. 

i realized every man is an island - whether they wana admit or not.

i realized that relying on my ownself won't work - i'll go back to square one, aka struggling.

all these realizations took place on my 5th year of being 21.

well. bazinga!

ramblings

Reconnecting myself to my roots of music!! 

there was a period in time where I ignored classical music. Gosh what a snob i was, and when i revisited it again, I was humbled and inspired. Damn if you can play classical music you can play any type of music genre. I recommend starting with piano first, because the basics of piano is extremely worth it as it creates a solid foundation for rhythm, timing, style, chords etc etc. Once you can play piano, playing guitar, the bass and drums will be a breeze. no regrets learning how 2 play the piano. used to hate theory but love practical lol. It's one of the best things that I cherish for life, because having the opportunity to channel your thoughts and emotions into playing is magical. 

random

I stumbled upon a short snippet of vampire diaries, labelled "the salvatore brothers are back". and i felt guilty because I am (or was?) a VD fan until their previous season, where things just got weird and ridiculous. And i told myself I'd watch ep 1 of the new season and i did, but i couldnt stomach it. Agh nooo what's become of my VD blood in my veins??? noooo

sherlock, on the other hand, was not too bad, but at one point I felt the story progressed way too fast, but then the producers covered the tracks nicely and it ended quite okay. My rationalization kicked in too cuz each season only has 3 eps, and how can one condense everything to 3 eps?!? impossibru. So, because of that, I think the producers did a good job. Or maybe cuz I'm biased because I heart sherlock!

this post is a work-free post. lol. dedicated to the only shows I watch now: sherlock, runningman and grey's anatomy. AND fresh off the boat (my fav asian family)

adios amigos

growth

Personally, I feel that growth was not something that happened at a one-time, bam, surprise! kinda thing. It's a steady and gradual process. I grow because I've learned to deal and manage my response + emotions + actions with troubles and tribulations. 

I never knew what dread meant until it was the day before school reopens. I felt as if there was a dark cloud above my head. I dread going back to the place I hate but love, funnily. 

Alas, I sat myself down and spoke to me, internally in my head; I can choose to be dreadful about it, or I can choose to be positive about it. I have a choice on how I should feel about this damning situation which, is no damnation at all. It's just part of life. 

And so I chose the latter, with a dose of prayer. It went uphill after that, but when the hour draws near to the 'dreadful' moment, my spirits crashed again. Tears eventually sprang forth, and I let it flow. Whatever, let them tears channel my dread.

And then I went to sleep, and woke up, with less dread. This is just the beginning of my journey but at the end of the road I have a HOPE i can cling to, a faithful God who will see me through every moment.

I will hope on that.

Every time, even in teaching. Every time. The fear doesn't go away. I guess I will have to learn to adjust to it and be comfortable with that fact.

BEcause all (100k) Coldplay Sg tickets sold out in 2 hours, I decided to try Coldplay bangkok tickets. Well guess what. 

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I'm going!!!!!!! WOOHOO! HALLELUJAH!! *throws confetti* finally I can strike off my one and only bucket list. lol. So Stoked. cant wait!!!!!

knock knock. 

who's there.

Hope.

Hope who?

Just Hope. 

Ok. come in, i think. sorry for the mess. As you can see, I have guests. 

No worries, I'm a light packer. Gona stay around for a while. 

Um sure. But, why? 

No reason. Just wana see how ya doing, is all.

i'm fine, really. sorry, but i don't have space for you, Hope. 

Oh. Well, why not?

Because my apartment's full, you see. 

Full of what? I see nothing.

*fuming* Can't you see the amount of work at the left corner? And Pessimistic on the kitchen table! Gosh. And Negativity is somewhere, rummaging my cabinet. My hands are full -- I can't possibly take in another guest! 

Oh nothing to worry about -- I don't take up space. I'm invisible after all. I just wana be here, incase you need me. 

the thing about introverts is that one minute you're happily in the moment, and the next your brain decides to remind you of embarrassing moments in the past.

i suddenly remember an incident where I was not invited to a brunch appointment but I somehow got invited anyway (perhaps it was my friend who pulled me along). they're both my friends, B (girl) and T (guy).

Cant remember who told me about this brunch thing but I happily tagged along. On hindsight, I should have declined as I was gate-crashing their brunch because T wanted to treat B for her belated birthday and, perhaps, he wanted to have a date with her. And how did I find out? Well, when it came to the bill, T paid for B and not for me. So I had to pay T back for the meal. (and mind you, T is about 9-11 years older than me ok! still mau collect money from a youth ke) I thought that was odd but didnt think much of it. Until now. Gosh, if only I'd realized why he did so was probably because I was an uninvited guest! gah.

Well, to be really honest, T and B has a huge age gap. B once confided in me that it's just so weird T confessed to her. And that was when B was just 22 (or 21) y/o! *cringe* 

Moral of the story is: i) be aware of the unsaid things between two people to avoid gate-crashing, ii) dont be so desperate to find a companion til you had to go for someone so much younger than you. Til this day, i'm still weirded out by it. Cant imagine what it's like for B.

thoughts

It's so easy to be cynical and to judge and jump into conclusions. It's also very easy to wave your flag on your high horse and think that you're right in every way. 

funny, how to us humans our ego is everything. we dont wana back down in order to protect our ego. It sure feels good, being on top. but the higher u go, the harder u'll fall.

when will we be humble to acknowledge our wrongs and apologize? These are not costly. In fact, they cost nothing at all. It's just that to us the biggest cost will be a bruised ego. 

But what is the whole point of an inflated ego? To feel good about ourselves and to portray an "I-know-it-all" image? But... for what cost? the cycle continues and will never break. and sure, we can pull that off but who are we kidding? Who are we lying to at the end of the day. Ourselves, and to God who knows us inside out. 

it's never easy to be humble. it takes immense nobility and maturity. But when we learn humility, our worldviews will shift and life would be more meaningful. 

Just some random thoughts i have daily. 

I am so. so. so. happy for school holidays!

Feeling a little reluctant, I joined my church mates to catch Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The reluctance came from the tiredness I would experience after the movie because later at night I have choir practice. Still, I went ahead anyway

It was, I think, the best movie in 2016. Perhaps on par with Civil war hehe. but man, this movie was so so good. Since the 7th installment of Harry potter ended eons ago, I've stored the harry potter jargon and its characters way back in my memory space. But this movie, they throw the jargon in their speech like *snap* *snap* so fast. And i found myself gasping and uttering, "ooooh so she's related to bellatrix lestrange", and "oooo that's (a) squib/auror/Grindelwald". love it. These references made a tiny electric jolt in my system. Ahhh i will always love Harry potter. The best trilogy i've read in my lifetime. 

And the feels in this movie!! I can't even. I shed a tear or two :'(  So so sad because I have a soft spot for the misfits because I was one of em too (surprise surprise) in my own way. Now looking back, why did I even bother fitting myself, a square peg in a freakin round hole? cant square pegs just stand out on our own and be ourselves? Why should people shun/mock us for being different? And whose standards are we measuring ourselves to? The round holes? But, who appointed them to be the "standards" anyway? Why should square pegs seek approval from round holes? Who're the round holes to call the shots? ... meh. 

All in all, this movie is worth watching. You won't regret it, trust me. Great plot twist at the end. I was like, "Huh?? Wow! no way!" :D enjoy!

going against the current

Hear me out, judge me not.

The more I immerse myself in the system, the more I see its flaws and question certain actions done by certain people. 

When passing by students, why do teachers ignore students' greetings i.e. good mornings/good evenings? To show who is more superior/inferior? but students deserve a reply and they deserve to be respected too. there are many more instances of teachers' actions that I question but i can't think of any now. but when those happened, I just felt off and questioned why did that teacher act that way. I found no logical explanation that supported how that teacher acted, although it may be the norm among teachers to do so.

Although I'm just a novice in the system, I believe I have the right to question and not take in things at face value. And believe me when I say this; I'm a rebel when it comes to doing things that are not founded on a solid ground of logical explanations. I believe in my own beliefs and I'm not afraid to rebel against the norm, with a condition that the norm is deploying actions that doesn't make sense. 

Why? Because I realized that it is time to question things and use my logical reasoning instead of blindly following the herd. Sigh. just my two sense. dont get me started on the whole umbrella of a system that is just so, so twisted. 

But imma stick it out and be the agent of change amidst complacency where my goal is to teach students and help them see they are worth it.

going against the current

Hear me out, judge me not.

The more I immerse myself in the system, the more I see its flaws and question certain actions done by certain people. 

When passing by students, why do teachers ignore students' greetings i.e. good mornings/good evenings? To show who is more superior/inferior? but students deserve a reply and they deserve to be respected too. there are many more instances of teachers' actions that I question but i can't think of any now. but when those happened, I just felt off and questioned why did that teacher act that way. I found no logical explanation that supported how that teacher acted, although it may be the norm among teachers to do so.

Although I'm just a novice in the system, I believe I have the right to question and not take in things at face value. And believe me when I say this; I'm a rebel when it comes to doing things that are not founded on a solid ground of logical explanations. I believe in my own beliefs and I'm not afraid to rebel against the norm, with a condition that the norm is deploying actions that doesn't make sense. 

Why? Because I realized that it is time to question things and use my logical reasoning instead of blindly following the herd. Sigh. just my two sense. dont get me started on the whole umbrella of a system that is just so, so twisted. 

But imma stick it out and be the agent of change amidst complacency where my goal is to teach students and help them see they are worth it.

coldplay here i come

Recently I stumbled upon rumours that Coldplay will be coming to Singapore for their (supposedly) final tour. I was ecstatic but then I thought, nahhh. Those are rumours only. Well. Lo and behold, they ARE COMING! AND I'LL BE HEADING TO SG TO CATCH IT!!!!!!! rawr!!!!

so excited!!!!! the band tht i've loved since high school is coming to shores near me! eventhough it may be mahal when convert dollar to dollar but heck, once in a lifetime man. And I heard they'll be going on an indefinite hiatus after this. ALL THE MORE TO GO. imma use my own $$ to buy my tix. 

excitedzzz. i guess this is my first concert ever. honestly i'll only go for concerts if the bands/singers are my fav fav fav. If not, then nah no point. 

stokeddd. i hope got tix left. 

coldplay here i come

Recently I stumbled upon rumours that Coldplay will be coming to Singapore for their (supposedly) final tour. I was ecstatic but then I thought, nahhh. Those are rumours only. Well. Lo and behold, they ARE COMING! AND I'LL BE HEADING TO SG TO CATCH IT!!!!!!! rawr!!!!

so excited!!!!! the band tht i've loved since high school is coming to shores near me! eventhough it may be mahal when convert dollar to dollar but heck, once in a lifetime man. And I heard they'll be going on an indefinite hiatus after this. ALL THE MORE TO GO. imma use my own $$ to buy my tix. 

excitedzzz. i guess this is my first concert ever. honestly i'll only go for concerts if the bands/singers are my fav fav fav. If not, then nah no point. 

stokeddd. i hope got tix left. 

say whut

Did anyone realize it's already Nov?? As in 10 months flew by like that?? Zzz. Every year when it's a month before xmas I'll sure have the same reaction. Still cant believe time passed just like tht!