Every time, even in teaching. Every time. The fear doesn't go away. I guess I will have to learn to adjust to it and be comfortable with that fact.

BEcause all (100k) Coldplay Sg tickets sold out in 2 hours, I decided to try Coldplay bangkok tickets. Well guess what. 

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I'm going!!!!!!! WOOHOO! HALLELUJAH!! *throws confetti* finally I can strike off my one and only bucket list. lol. So Stoked. cant wait!!!!!

knock knock. 

who's there.

Hope.

Hope who?

Just Hope. 

Ok. come in, i think. sorry for the mess. As you can see, I have guests. 

No worries, I'm a light packer. Gona stay around for a while. 

Um sure. But, why? 

No reason. Just wana see how ya doing, is all.

i'm fine, really. sorry, but i don't have space for you, Hope. 

Oh. Well, why not?

Because my apartment's full, you see. 

Full of what? I see nothing.

*fuming* Can't you see the amount of work at the left corner? And Pessimistic on the kitchen table! Gosh. And Negativity is somewhere, rummaging my cabinet. My hands are full -- I can't possibly take in another guest! 

Oh nothing to worry about -- I don't take up space. I'm invisible after all. I just wana be here, incase you need me. 

the thing about introverts is that one minute you're happily in the moment, and the next your brain decides to remind you of embarrassing moments in the past.

i suddenly remember an incident where I was not invited to a brunch appointment but I somehow got invited anyway (perhaps it was my friend who pulled me along). they're both my friends, B (girl) and T (guy).

Cant remember who told me about this brunch thing but I happily tagged along. On hindsight, I should have declined as I was gate-crashing their brunch because T wanted to treat B for her belated birthday and, perhaps, he wanted to have a date with her. And how did I find out? Well, when it came to the bill, T paid for B and not for me. So I had to pay T back for the meal. (and mind you, T is about 9-11 years older than me ok! still mau collect money from a youth ke) I thought that was odd but didnt think much of it. Until now. Gosh, if only I'd realized why he did so was probably because I was an uninvited guest! gah.

Well, to be really honest, T and B has a huge age gap. B once confided in me that it's just so weird T confessed to her. And that was when B was just 22 (or 21) y/o! *cringe* 

Moral of the story is: i) be aware of the unsaid things between two people to avoid gate-crashing, ii) dont be so desperate to find a companion til you had to go for someone so much younger than you. Til this day, i'm still weirded out by it. Cant imagine what it's like for B.

thoughts

It's so easy to be cynical and to judge and jump into conclusions. It's also very easy to wave your flag on your high horse and think that you're right in every way. 

funny, how to us humans our ego is everything. we dont wana back down in order to protect our ego. It sure feels good, being on top. but the higher u go, the harder u'll fall.

when will we be humble to acknowledge our wrongs and apologize? These are not costly. In fact, they cost nothing at all. It's just that to us the biggest cost will be a bruised ego. 

But what is the whole point of an inflated ego? To feel good about ourselves and to portray an "I-know-it-all" image? But... for what cost? the cycle continues and will never break. and sure, we can pull that off but who are we kidding? Who are we lying to at the end of the day. Ourselves, and to God who knows us inside out. 

it's never easy to be humble. it takes immense nobility and maturity. But when we learn humility, our worldviews will shift and life would be more meaningful. 

Just some random thoughts i have daily. 

I am so. so. so. happy for school holidays!

Feeling a little reluctant, I joined my church mates to catch Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The reluctance came from the tiredness I would experience after the movie because later at night I have choir practice. Still, I went ahead anyway

It was, I think, the best movie in 2016. Perhaps on par with Civil war hehe. but man, this movie was so so good. Since the 7th installment of Harry potter ended eons ago, I've stored the harry potter jargon and its characters way back in my memory space. But this movie, they throw the jargon in their speech like *snap* *snap* so fast. And i found myself gasping and uttering, "ooooh so she's related to bellatrix lestrange", and "oooo that's (a) squib/auror/Grindelwald". love it. These references made a tiny electric jolt in my system. Ahhh i will always love Harry potter. The best trilogy i've read in my lifetime. 

And the feels in this movie!! I can't even. I shed a tear or two :'(  So so sad because I have a soft spot for the misfits because I was one of em too (surprise surprise) in my own way. Now looking back, why did I even bother fitting myself, a square peg in a freakin round hole? cant square pegs just stand out on our own and be ourselves? Why should people shun/mock us for being different? And whose standards are we measuring ourselves to? The round holes? But, who appointed them to be the "standards" anyway? Why should square pegs seek approval from round holes? Who're the round holes to call the shots? ... meh. 

All in all, this movie is worth watching. You won't regret it, trust me. Great plot twist at the end. I was like, "Huh?? Wow! no way!" :D enjoy!