Today at school, we were divided into our racial groups for a "program kerohanian" where a speaker is invited to give a talk on self-motivation, achieving success and so on. P.s. I don't see the point of dividing into our own races because this doesn't foster racial unity at all.
Anyway. So in my own race group (sounds so controversial, like a darned race supremacy/ketuanan cina thing), the talk was fully in mandarin. Hooray! said no banana ever. And protocol had all teachers attend the respective "programs", and so we did.
This was where yours truly got roasted, because the speaker, who is this pretentious, too-extroverted loud person who enjoys rousing cheer and laughter from students, asked me a question in mandarin, in which my brain froze and out came a reply of: "errr....", followed by laughter from students and teachers. Well. Doesn't sound that embarrassing in words, but trust me, I felt my face turning red and i've nowhere to run. T.T
There and then I wanted to walk out but my common sense got the better of me and told me to hold my ground and suffer that few minutes of embarrassment.
I felt like an outcast in my own race.
To be fair, the speaker didn't know that I'm a banana. Fine. But to be fair also, please don't assume all chinese speak mandarin. Many asked me, "Har, you chinese but don't know chinese ar?" Ok la most of it were candid, and out of good fun which I certainly don't mind. In which I sheepishly replied,
"Oh.. your parents don't speak mandarin?"
"No they don't. But they speak Cantonese."
"Oh. So what do they speak at home?" "Greek, Spanish, Thai and French." "They speak English."
But. I've had one who showed his distaste in his tone of voice and face when I said I don't speak mandarin. It's as if I'm a disgrace to my own race. Hmph. I should show my distaste to him when he can't speak proper English.
OK. Just needed to rant. Bleurgh shake it off! Today has taught me to chin up, laugh and be damn proud of who I turned out to be. Who wants to be the norm anyway?
Being a banana ain't a crime, ostracizing them is!
winds of change has arrived! Ah... what a breath of fresh air. Finally, a new government will take place. I hope to see some useless protocols to be done away with in the education system. We have too many! Too many indeed. It will take time to rectify because it's in the system for so long. I hope the gears in the civil force will be oiled to get moving efficiently. I hope people get positions fairly. I hope we can do less paperwork/protocol and more of teaching and nurturing. I hope for a change of mindset against teachers. I hope prejudices and negative perceptions will turn into admiration that was once there for us.
I hope. I hope....
I hope for winds of change in the very hearts of Malaysians.
why hello there... I havent been updating in a while. How am I? Hmm.. tired.
In an organization there is bound to have a few weird people who are either too selfish, too proud, too lazy, too entitled blabla.... and that doesn't exclude people in church too. Where I am now at this age, I'm starting to see more and more layers being peeled off from the people I thought I knew...
So what gives? Do I stop mingling with them? It depends. But it fuels me to never have the same characteristics that they have. To be less proud, less entitled, to think before speaking. By the way, thinking before speaking is becoming extinct. Nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Just my two cents from my reflection.
Also on hindsight, teachers are one of the most underappreciated lot ever. Really. So much we do that goes unseen. Worst is when students dont appreciate or when parents and society think we're not doin anything. we are, but the ones not doing are the lazy ones. or the many bad apples that took the spotlight lately. Too many!!!! So embarrassing. I still have my no.1 pet peeve of too many nonsense protocols and rules and pointless paper printing nobody gives a hoot for.
Makes one think is it worth sacrificing so much at the end of the day then?
A year has passed and I am still having a love-hate journey. Will it ever cease? Will the system ever change? Will I grow complacent and comfortable with it until it numbs me when incompetency of my surroundings kick in?
Damn I hate all these ponderings because I know it may be partially true if I allow it to happen. :O
But really, do you think there is no point fighting the system because it's a losing battle? even if one resists it, will it make one miserable?
This is so because the system is so autocratic that it cannot be questioned. Maybe many question behind the curtains but you can't do it upfront or else... Very simple; the inefficiency of the system affects its workers' output and time is very much wasted doing mindless protocols that could be done away with.
Alas, I should then know what I'm getting myself into when I agreed to this. But back to my question; if I resist 'it', seeing that it's immovable and very unlikely to change, will I be miserable for the next 30 years? Or do I allow myself to succumb to its complacency and thus be complacent together? What does it mean to be called to where I am but to do my best when everything around me is going against me?
I hate how it's so damn autocratic!!! And I hate the struggle because why? it's uncomfortable and it tugs at my heartstrings. God, please send some winds of change to shake this autocracy and wake everyone from their slumber. Break the stubborn autocratic ties and bring in new management, new blood, and especially an organization that has brains to run the system. Please help me persevere to not be like everyone else, but to stamp my existence that reflect Your glory in wherever I am called to go.