Every time, even in teaching. Every time. The fear doesn't go away. I guess I will have to learn to adjust to it and be comfortable with that fact.

BEcause all (100k) Coldplay Sg tickets sold out in 2 hours, I decided to try Coldplay bangkok tickets. Well guess what. 

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I'm going!!!!!!! WOOHOO! HALLELUJAH!! *throws confetti* finally I can strike off my one and only bucket list. lol. So Stoked. cant wait!!!!!

knock knock. 

who's there.

Hope.

Hope who?

Just Hope. 

Ok. come in, i think. sorry for the mess. As you can see, I have guests. 

No worries, I'm a light packer. Gona stay around for a while. 

Um sure. But, why? 

No reason. Just wana see how ya doing, is all.

i'm fine, really. sorry, but i don't have space for you, Hope. 

Oh. Well, why not?

Because my apartment's full, you see. 

Full of what? I see nothing.

*fuming* Can't you see the amount of work at the left corner? And Pessimistic on the kitchen table! Gosh. And Negativity is somewhere, rummaging my cabinet. My hands are full -- I can't possibly take in another guest! 

Oh nothing to worry about -- I don't take up space. I'm invisible after all. I just wana be here, incase you need me. 

the thing about introverts is that one minute you're happily in the moment, and the next your brain decides to remind you of embarrassing moments in the past.

i suddenly remember an incident where I was not invited to a brunch appointment but I somehow got invited anyway (perhaps it was my friend who pulled me along). they're both my friends, B (girl) and T (guy).

Cant remember who told me about this brunch thing but I happily tagged along. On hindsight, I should have declined as I was gate-crashing their brunch because T wanted to treat B for her belated birthday and, perhaps, he wanted to have a date with her. And how did I find out? Well, when it came to the bill, T paid for B and not for me. So I had to pay T back for the meal. (and mind you, T is about 9-11 years older than me ok! still mau collect money from a youth ke) I thought that was odd but didnt think much of it. Until now. Gosh, if only I'd realized why he did so was probably because I was an uninvited guest! gah.

Well, to be really honest, T and B has a huge age gap. B once confided in me that it's just so weird T confessed to her. And that was when B was just 22 (or 21) y/o! *cringe* 

Moral of the story is: i) be aware of the unsaid things between two people to avoid gate-crashing, ii) dont be so desperate to find a companion til you had to go for someone so much younger than you. Til this day, i'm still weirded out by it. Cant imagine what it's like for B.

thoughts

It's so easy to be cynical and to judge and jump into conclusions. It's also very easy to wave your flag on your high horse and think that you're right in every way. 

funny, how to us humans our ego is everything. we dont wana back down in order to protect our ego. It sure feels good, being on top. but the higher u go, the harder u'll fall.

when will we be humble to acknowledge our wrongs and apologize? These are not costly. In fact, they cost nothing at all. It's just that to us the biggest cost will be a bruised ego. 

But what is the whole point of an inflated ego? To feel good about ourselves and to portray an "I-know-it-all" image? But... for what cost? the cycle continues and will never break. and sure, we can pull that off but who are we kidding? Who are we lying to at the end of the day. Ourselves, and to God who knows us inside out. 

it's never easy to be humble. it takes immense nobility and maturity. But when we learn humility, our worldviews will shift and life would be more meaningful. 

Just some random thoughts i have daily. 

I am so. so. so. happy for school holidays!