Every time, even in teaching. Every time. The fear doesn't go away. I guess I will have to learn to adjust to it and be comfortable with that fact.

BEcause all (100k) Coldplay Sg tickets sold out in 2 hours, I decided to try Coldplay bangkok tickets. Well guess what. 

-

-

-

I'm going!!!!!!! WOOHOO! HALLELUJAH!! *throws confetti* finally I can strike off my one and only bucket list. lol. So Stoked. cant wait!!!!!

knock knock. 

who's there.

Hope.

Hope who?

Just Hope. 

Ok. come in, i think. sorry for the mess. As you can see, I have guests. 

No worries, I'm a light packer. Gona stay around for a while. 

Um sure. But, why? 

No reason. Just wana see how ya doing, is all.

i'm fine, really. sorry, but i don't have space for you, Hope. 

Oh. Well, why not?

Because my apartment's full, you see. 

Full of what? I see nothing.

*fuming* Can't you see the amount of work at the left corner? And Pessimistic on the kitchen table! Gosh. And Negativity is somewhere, rummaging my cabinet. My hands are full -- I can't possibly take in another guest! 

Oh nothing to worry about -- I don't take up space. I'm invisible after all. I just wana be here, incase you need me. 

the thing about introverts is that one minute you're happily in the moment, and the next your brain decides to remind you of embarrassing moments in the past.

i suddenly remember an incident where I was not invited to a brunch appointment but I somehow got invited anyway (perhaps it was my friend who pulled me along). they're both my friends, B (girl) and T (guy).

Cant remember who told me about this brunch thing but I happily tagged along. On hindsight, I should have declined as I was gate-crashing their brunch because T wanted to treat B for her belated birthday and, perhaps, he wanted to have a date with her. And how did I find out? Well, when it came to the bill, T paid for B and not for me. So I had to pay T back for the meal. (and mind you, T is about 9-11 years older than me ok! still mau collect money from a youth ke) I thought that was odd but didnt think much of it. Until now. Gosh, if only I'd realized why he did so was probably because I was an uninvited guest! gah.

Well, to be really honest, T and B has a huge age gap. B once confided in me that it's just so weird T confessed to her. And that was when B was just 22 (or 21) y/o! *cringe* 

Moral of the story is: i) be aware of the unsaid things between two people to avoid gate-crashing, ii) dont be so desperate to find a companion til you had to go for someone so much younger than you. Til this day, i'm still weirded out by it. Cant imagine what it's like for B.

thoughts

It's so easy to be cynical and to judge and jump into conclusions. It's also very easy to wave your flag on your high horse and think that you're right in every way. 

funny, how to us humans our ego is everything. we dont wana back down in order to protect our ego. It sure feels good, being on top. but the higher u go, the harder u'll fall.

when will we be humble to acknowledge our wrongs and apologize? These are not costly. In fact, they cost nothing at all. It's just that to us the biggest cost will be a bruised ego. 

But what is the whole point of an inflated ego? To feel good about ourselves and to portray an "I-know-it-all" image? But... for what cost? the cycle continues and will never break. and sure, we can pull that off but who are we kidding? Who are we lying to at the end of the day. Ourselves, and to God who knows us inside out. 

it's never easy to be humble. it takes immense nobility and maturity. But when we learn humility, our worldviews will shift and life would be more meaningful. 

Just some random thoughts i have daily. 

I am so. so. so. happy for school holidays!

Feeling a little reluctant, I joined my church mates to catch Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The reluctance came from the tiredness I would experience after the movie because later at night I have choir practice. Still, I went ahead anyway

It was, I think, the best movie in 2016. Perhaps on par with Civil war hehe. but man, this movie was so so good. Since the 7th installment of Harry potter ended eons ago, I've stored the harry potter jargon and its characters way back in my memory space. But this movie, they throw the jargon in their speech like *snap* *snap* so fast. And i found myself gasping and uttering, "ooooh so she's related to bellatrix lestrange", and "oooo that's (a) squib/auror/Grindelwald". love it. These references made a tiny electric jolt in my system. Ahhh i will always love Harry potter. The best trilogy i've read in my lifetime. 

And the feels in this movie!! I can't even. I shed a tear or two :'(  So so sad because I have a soft spot for the misfits because I was one of em too (surprise surprise) in my own way. Now looking back, why did I even bother fitting myself, a square peg in a freakin round hole? cant square pegs just stand out on our own and be ourselves? Why should people shun/mock us for being different? And whose standards are we measuring ourselves to? The round holes? But, who appointed them to be the "standards" anyway? Why should square pegs seek approval from round holes? Who're the round holes to call the shots? ... meh. 

All in all, this movie is worth watching. You won't regret it, trust me. Great plot twist at the end. I was like, "Huh?? Wow! no way!" :D enjoy!

going against the current

Hear me out, judge me not.

The more I immerse myself in the system, the more I see its flaws and question certain actions done by certain people. 

When passing by students, why do teachers ignore students' greetings i.e. good mornings/good evenings? To show who is more superior/inferior? but students deserve a reply and they deserve to be respected too. there are many more instances of teachers' actions that I question but i can't think of any now. but when those happened, I just felt off and questioned why did that teacher act that way. I found no logical explanation that supported how that teacher acted, although it may be the norm among teachers to do so.

Although I'm just a novice in the system, I believe I have the right to question and not take in things at face value. And believe me when I say this; I'm a rebel when it comes to doing things that are not founded on a solid ground of logical explanations. I believe in my own beliefs and I'm not afraid to rebel against the norm, with a condition that the norm is deploying actions that doesn't make sense. 

Why? Because I realized that it is time to question things and use my logical reasoning instead of blindly following the herd. Sigh. just my two sense. dont get me started on the whole umbrella of a system that is just so, so twisted. 

But imma stick it out and be the agent of change amidst complacency where my goal is to teach students and help them see they are worth it.

going against the current

Hear me out, judge me not.

The more I immerse myself in the system, the more I see its flaws and question certain actions done by certain people. 

When passing by students, why do teachers ignore students' greetings i.e. good mornings/good evenings? To show who is more superior/inferior? but students deserve a reply and they deserve to be respected too. there are many more instances of teachers' actions that I question but i can't think of any now. but when those happened, I just felt off and questioned why did that teacher act that way. I found no logical explanation that supported how that teacher acted, although it may be the norm among teachers to do so.

Although I'm just a novice in the system, I believe I have the right to question and not take in things at face value. And believe me when I say this; I'm a rebel when it comes to doing things that are not founded on a solid ground of logical explanations. I believe in my own beliefs and I'm not afraid to rebel against the norm, with a condition that the norm is deploying actions that doesn't make sense. 

Why? Because I realized that it is time to question things and use my logical reasoning instead of blindly following the herd. Sigh. just my two sense. dont get me started on the whole umbrella of a system that is just so, so twisted. 

But imma stick it out and be the agent of change amidst complacency where my goal is to teach students and help them see they are worth it.

coldplay here i come

Recently I stumbled upon rumours that Coldplay will be coming to Singapore for their (supposedly) final tour. I was ecstatic but then I thought, nahhh. Those are rumours only. Well. Lo and behold, they ARE COMING! AND I'LL BE HEADING TO SG TO CATCH IT!!!!!!! rawr!!!!

so excited!!!!! the band tht i've loved since high school is coming to shores near me! eventhough it may be mahal when convert dollar to dollar but heck, once in a lifetime man. And I heard they'll be going on an indefinite hiatus after this. ALL THE MORE TO GO. imma use my own $$ to buy my tix. 

excitedzzz. i guess this is my first concert ever. honestly i'll only go for concerts if the bands/singers are my fav fav fav. If not, then nah no point. 

stokeddd. i hope got tix left. 

coldplay here i come

Recently I stumbled upon rumours that Coldplay will be coming to Singapore for their (supposedly) final tour. I was ecstatic but then I thought, nahhh. Those are rumours only. Well. Lo and behold, they ARE COMING! AND I'LL BE HEADING TO SG TO CATCH IT!!!!!!! rawr!!!!

so excited!!!!! the band tht i've loved since high school is coming to shores near me! eventhough it may be mahal when convert dollar to dollar but heck, once in a lifetime man. And I heard they'll be going on an indefinite hiatus after this. ALL THE MORE TO GO. imma use my own $$ to buy my tix. 

excitedzzz. i guess this is my first concert ever. honestly i'll only go for concerts if the bands/singers are my fav fav fav. If not, then nah no point. 

stokeddd. i hope got tix left. 

say whut

Did anyone realize it's already Nov?? As in 10 months flew by like that?? Zzz. Every year when it's a month before xmas I'll sure have the same reaction. Still cant believe time passed just like tht!

FAT CATSSSSSS I LOVE SQUISH

MY FAVOURITEEEEE ^

I feel so happy looking at them.

Hello there... I have been in hibernation from blogging because of the amount of stuff I gotta do. Finally, Friday is here and students are having exams. Hallelujah no more teaching (I hope) for this year. But gotta jaga exams la. So far the journey has been like a roller coaster ride. There were ups and there were downs. There was fairness and then there was inequality right down to the division of responsibilities and protocols. sigh. It's ok, I'm learning things as I go.

Recently I taught my kids about the effects of war and I brought in Hitler and how he killed 6 million Juice and I went on about concentration camps, segregation of Jews etc etc. The point I drilled in was how a man so caught up in his own twisted logic generalized all Juice to be diabolical, thus killing millions of innocent lives. 

Funnily enough I saw a friend posted a status on social media (which I think she was just joking) on pinpointing things to the Juice' agenda. Hmm really? *scratches chin* she may be joking, but to me, in my honest and very personal opinion I sensed some subtle traces of contempt, perhaps laced with mockery in generalizing all Juice as scheming. To me it says a lot about your own negative beliefs about them Juice just by a sentence. If one cant find a blame to something, blame it on the Juice yo. Semua pasal yahudi. Question is, does everyone believe that too? Has there been some indoctrination going on, institutionalizing every mind to the point of absorbing blindly without questioning?

 I completely respect her opinion and her reason for that but likewise I too have the right to my own opinions. Agree to disagree. After all this is my blog and my space to dispose my trapped thoughts. Lol. 

Cheers. Remember, knowledge is one thing. but where did you acquire knowledge from, and how do you know it is right/wrong? Always, always question things. Dont accept info at face value. Ciaozers

(photo taken from my coursemate's fb album. p/s if u ever chance upon my blog, have a blast there! happy for you + your bright future)

btw the above picture is a real library. as in, a real one. Zomg so beautiful i can stare at it for a long time and imagine myself wandering through the aisles from A - Z and then back to A again, running my fingers along the spines of old and new books, feeling its contours and bumps and minted covers and living the moment of being enveloped by a forest of knowledge and never-ending magic, mystery, ideologies, new beginnings and ends... *shivers with delight*. what a weird way to find pleasure hahaha. 

but seriously, this library looks freaking amazing. It invites a learner to actually study. A very warm and conducive environment. I Love It. 

one day, it gona blow and when it does, it gona be bigggg

Imma say upfront right now that pembelajaran sivik is seriously pointless (and I'm hedging my words here). Why have it when students don't give a hoot about it and it's not even included in as-pee-am. And teachers don't even bother teaching. So why have it??? Is it an outward portrayal of teaching students how to be civilized humans? Is it to fulfill a KPI or some nonessential bs? Or to reflect the morality of the education ministry? 

I really cant wrap my common sense round this. LOL. I find it ridiculously amusing. Question is; what am I to do about it? Join the system? Or try my best to turn bs into something worthy of remembering? And since I'm the minority in a big bucket of wriggling tuna fish (I like talking in metaphors), imma do the latter. hell to the no am i joining the system. but im in it, so... *ironical laugh*

But really.... how did the teachers and students tahan this over the years?! sigh. i really wish something can be done. 

one day, it gona blow and when it does, it gona be bigggg

Imma say upfront right now that pembelajaran sivik is seriously pointless (and I'm hedging my words here). Why have it when students don't give a hoot about it and it's not even included in as-pee-am. And teachers don't even bother teaching. So why have it??? Is it an outward portrayal of teaching students how to be civilized humans? Is it to fulfill a KPI or some nonessential bs? Or to reflect the morality of the education ministry? 

I really cant wrap my common sense round this. LOL. I find it ridiculously amusing. Question is; what am I to do about it? Join the system? Or try my best to turn bs into something worthy of remembering? And since I'm the minority in a big bucket of wriggling tuna fish (I like talking in metaphors), imma do the latter. hell to the no am i joining the system. but im in it, so... *ironical laugh*

But really.... how did the teachers and students tahan this over the years?! sigh. i really wish something can be done. 

ma boys are back in the 'hood. ABOUT TIME. SOON. :P:P:P:P:P rejoice hallelujah 

"Let us hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear-drenched communities and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all of their scintillating beauty." 

Letter from Birmingham Jail, Martin Luther King Jr.

A friend shared this on fb. I love reading paragraphs like this. So rich in description, so heavy with meaning. I love it.

Prof umbridge in d house yo

LOL how apt. Life is a rollercoaster now. I seriously need more time in a day. I need more days in a week!!!! T.T 

What's more, tomorrow I have a compulsory training in Hogwarts on how to manage stress. -_- On a Saturday. Seriously? Why kacau our saturdays?! *cries in a corner* saturdays are my days to catch up on my masters. why rob it from me. SIGH

Oh gomen.... if only you would tune your resources to things much more pressing and quit wasting TIME on trivial matters. TIME is precious, TIME is money. it should never be wasted on ridiculous seminars just for the sake of abiding on what's been stated on paper. C'mon gaiz... yall haf brainzz... 6 ounces of em.... USE EM WISELY.. dont let it go to waste, although I already feel yall have been wasting it all these while.

now now waittamin, hold your horses yall, dont accuse me of badmouthing. I mentioned no name, no organization. I was merely referring to the time when Prof Umbridge was the head of management. Sigh. She really does have a huge ass hair and a penchant for jewelry.

because i'm tired and jaded, this post is dedicated to fluff talk: 

The new Mcd Syok burger. 

Ya i doing a free promotional plug for them hahaha apa la me. It looks almost like the Rio burger (which is my no1 burger from mcd bcoz of i) its spiciness which, I felt is Ze Bez ii) the quality of the beef; thicker than bigmac). This syok burger looks spicy to me but i hope it tastes the same as the Rio one. Aghh when i saw it i was like OK I must HAVE it die die also must eat it this week. 

But to be honest I'm kinda sick of mcd fries. whenever i eat it, 0.01% of my love for mcd fizzles out. It tastes eew. I wish it'd be more like Carls' junior fries. That one is worth my tastebuds. and i try not to order Coke or Pepsi anymore coz too sweet (yes u must be thinking wth after all the fats and cholesterol i've eaten frm mcd i decided to comfort myself by not ordering soft drinks. Well you are quite right.)

srsly mcd needs to acknowledge my sacrifices I've made to my health, just for the love of their burgers. hmmph. 

sigh... tired.. dont want to think about the workload and the amount of reading and writing i need to do. How do i escape this conundrum. How do i make this... "burden" to be something I enjoy doing? There is nowhere I can run to. More running leads to piled up workload. Just face it and deal with it like an adult.

Just when I felt like shite, I saw my supervisor's comment on my proposal draft. Although it may seem like any other normal comment, it suggests an ammendment and direction that I can make and go to. And it gave me a glimmer of hope, that after a tiring day, there is something to be thankful for. 

surviving

Week 1 of my job stint: was in afternoon for 1 day and was shifted to morning sesh bcoz i have classes in the evenings which cant be postponed. The girls are overall demure, nice, harmless (lol). The teachers are so, so warm and friendly. They really made me feel welcomed in school and are ever ready with a smile, a short greeting and a laugh. <3 It really made me less discouraged coz my house to klang is about 30-40min drive, so everyday i'll be driving about 1hr plus. 

At times I wonder how on earth am i going to balance preparing all the lesson plans and reading journals and writing my thesis. (this school has only 2 eng teachers, and one is gonna pass her class to me soon because of health conditions. x.x) i'm not ready. scared. i haven't been teaching since 2014. rusty. complacent. >.< 

but mum told me to count my blessings. just be thankful for whatever I have. When I see these girls and look at the draught of English teachers in this school, I know Im not here by chance. but when i see myself i know i'm not equipped at ALL. i can only learn so much in the 4 yrs of undergrad but when it comes to application, everything thrown out of the window. the only thing i can take with me is my 3mnths practicum stint. and that itself is slowly fading in memory. :( 

 gahhhhh.

cant wait for LCW finals tonight. holy smokes.

So... I've been thinking and weighing the pros and cons, and looks like I'll be accepting my first ever teaching post in a convent in klang, afternoon sesh. Yay or nay, I shall find out tomorrow. Nads reminded me of how during my practicum I got a boys' school and now it's a girls' school. Both are mission schools. Is this a coincidence?? I dont know.

The struggle is balancing this and masters. All i can do now is work hard, have good time management, prepare to make sacrifices (like chillout time, entertainment time on weekends etc) and trust God!!!! :0 :0 

TRUE THAT. PEACE OUT. *drops mic*

jaded...

...with life.

...with responsibilities.

...with workload.

...with friendships.

i yearn to read my crime thriller novel without an ounce of worry in my mind. gah. 

Life's rough tides

Life hits again; i got the offer to teach in Selangor state but the thing is I am tied down with masters. What am I to do?!?! To reject the offer is to disappoint my parents; to accept it is to bear the consequences of daily stress and in the long run either one has to be compromised. No two choices are easy.

What to do now?? :( Damn. I shouldn't have applied so fast. I shouldn't be crying over spilt milk because I cant turn back the clock. People are saying do masters part-time. But why do part-time if I can do full-time. Sigh. I dont know. Can i flip a table instead. 

To make matters worse I only have less than a week to decide. Kmenterian why you so damn efficient?!? Grr. To rant about their 'efficiency' will be another long rant. sigh.

Pray pray pray and ask for direction. 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

--------------------

When the responsibilities increase and I cant keep running away from it, I'll face it together with God who'll sustain and strengthen me. 

It's crunch time!!!!!!!

(taken from grammarly.com)

Another point is because I'm enthralled by their style of writing and I wana know what will happen to the characters in a book. speaking of books i need to renew my library books! gulp. 

gather thy pitchforks, it's a-brewing

I've been reading the news lately and it just makes my blood boil. How can hyenas be so greedy?! dont you already have enough than the rest of the forest community??? greed will not get you anywhere. the higher you go the harder you'll fall. sigh. lucky these hyenas have left a trail all over the world to be discovered. Kudos to the Inspector Gadgets of US.

And the forest's print media is silent. Silence of the Lambs. Indeed they are lambs because if they baaaa, them hyenas will eat em. 

So much injustice my brain wants to explode. The thing is the taikor of hyenas nonchalantly brushed off legit allegations as if it meant nothing, like brushing off crumpled leaves from its shoulders. sigh. Simba, where art thou?? Aren't you supposed to protect your forest from these hyenas?? Gotta find the den of the taikor. raid it and then return whatever that rightfully belongs to the forest community. 

p/s: According to The Lion King, hyenas are not smart animals. 

"Christians are unsupportive people. Some dont think before they speak, hurt people along the way, and then go church ask for forgiveness on sundays, acting all holey. some jump into conclusions and assume everything, making an ass out of u and me. And some, when you are in need of help or backup, turn their pretty face away but aware of your situation." 

one of my friends posted this. I must say.... I do agree, but only to a certain extent. there are some rotten apples but not all. plus there is always two sides to a coin. but what she said has truth in it. 

Did you spot it? Holey? Hole-y? Hehe. I changed it :P It has a literal meaning to it, i.e. something that has holes in it.

And if you break down the word 'assume', you get = ass + u + me. "an ass out of u and me". nice wordplay my friend. And I know how you feel. Imma go fb msg her a bit. ciao~

let me just digress from normal life and quote from a piece written about Taytay and her bestie, Kanye: 

"Kim K's snapchat vid reveals a Taylor swift and Kanye west interaction that we didn't know existed. But it also confirms that underneath the thick coating of bubblegum pop known as Taylor Swift, there's a shrewd, savvy woman who puts a lot of effort into shaping and maintaining her public image - a person who we sort of knew existed but never really had the proof. Until now." 

-Vox culture about Taytay-

Hahaha exactly my sentiments! I always thought there's more to Taytay than her goodie two-shoes image but my circle of friends dismiss it. but i'm guilty of singing her songs in my car coz they're catchy and mindless lol.

ciaozers~

"Admit it. You aren't like them. Not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes.

But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the "normal people" as they go about their automatic experiences. For every time you say club passwords like "Have a nice day" and "Weather's awful today, eh?", you yearn inside to say forbidden things like "Tell me something that makes you cry" or "what do you think deja vu is for?" 

-Timothy Leary 

Leary hit home on that. Throughout high school I tried to fit in and be like the rest to be "accepted". But accepted by who? Friends? Who are they until I need their acceptance? Why must I live my life yearning acceptance when I'm perfectly fine my own, and when I am loved by God, family and close friends? Why must I be like the masses? -.-" I wish I thought like that 9 years ago, tsk. But yeah, if you try to fit in, you're repressing who you really are to be someone you're not. (No, I'm not talking about LGBT. that is a different thing altogether). It's like fitting a square peg into a round hole. 

The point is..... just be who you really are. Your crazy, weird self. Fitting in means throwing out your quirks and uniqueness just to be accepted. Do you wana throw away the things that make you unique and extraordinary?? Dont! It's priceless. No money can buy that.

Cheers.

blast from the past

a friend shared this on fb today. oh man... this series was my bro and my fav reads at that time!! I like how every chapter ended with a cliffhanger. and they had a game series where readers had to choose option 1 or 2, whether either the main character sits the rollercoaster or he chooses to go to the theme park and etc. i always ended up reading both choices to see which was the best heh. I tried reading Sweet Valley/Sweet Valley High but I couldn't understand the drama. But i did read a sweet valley book where the twins were running from a stalker. that was ok. 

Which reminds me of my other fav: mary-kate and ashley books!! In primary school my friends and I were cray over this series man. Yea I know their book covers look so.... 90s hahaha. I can't believe I liked reading them. 

Oh man. the 90s sure look cheesy, now that I look back at all the books and fashion etc. But these were the real deal back then!! Sooo different compared to what students have nowadays. so very different. and then there's batu seremban, masak2, rubber/eraser fights, stapling staplers at the sides of erasers, conteng-ing erasers, tick-tack-toe, skipping ropes made out of rubberbands, pepsi-cola, having a journal where we get friends to write their testimonials/fav food, music, books blabla..... where did these go?!?! D:

nostalgic

facebook reminded me of today four years ago: (Pics taken from melmel's fb =P )

when i saw these pics, i felt so nostalgic. Gone were the days when we were wide-eyed, carefree students and the stuff (yeah, stuff lol!) we worried about were exams, assignments, room mates... Now, fast forward 4 years later, our responsibilities have doubled or tripled, our perceptions have changed and now we are all on different paths pursuing different goals. and we're in the face of difficulties and discouragements in wherever we are. 

sigh. life. time aint gona wait for us to grow up. even if we're not ready we gotta face whatever comes our way. Perhaps this is how we grow and mature. dang adulthood is so...confusing. there is no clear-cut, black and white solution to everything. 

i guess tata for now. waiting for an important email reply. I hope everything will be ok. D:

Saw a friend's fb status that read like this: 

found out that it's actually still quite hard for me to speak up in a room full of people who are so eager to share. after some time, i will come to a point where i realize i've lost the opportunity to share my thoughts (because others have shared similar points or i myself have lost my own train of thought), and as i wave goodbye to the moment, i stit back and observe. quietly. 

I can so relate to this. and sometimes people wonder why we don't have anything to say where they're so quick to assume we don't wana participate/share ideas. 

People need to be educated on introverts :p

fav quotes from JRR Tolkien:

-"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."

-"The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater."

-"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

-"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil."

-"Oft hope is born when all is forlorn."

-"It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not."

-"It is useless to meet revenge with revenge; it will heal nothing."

-"Fair speech may hide a foul heart."

-"His grief he will not forget; but it will not darken his heart, it will teach him wisdom."

-"The wise speak only of what they know."

-"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life."

-"if more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."

"When it feels scary to jump, that is exactly when you jump. Otherwise, you end up staying in the same place your whole life." 

Shite why I terasa with this instagram quote. 

on a different note, exam today on research methodology was dang tricky. I made silly mistakes as usual, there goes my marks ughhhhhhhh. 2hour paper, 3 questions, do 2 only. i spent too much time deciding which question to choose pfft. in the end, i did the 2nd question in 35 minutes gahhh. shite. I hope my lecturer will be lenient. (actually he won't but hope is having faith in things not seen loll) one more paper to go and tata sem! 

Although classes have ended, I still have unfinished essays and exams to do. T.T in the midst of that, my coursemate shared some pictures she took at Sekinchan. Can't believe the view! Calming.

I'm blown away. So beautiful

What time is it?!

What time is it??

Summertime! Not really, but more like school's out, let's scream and shout! No more classes weehee. Bittersweet moment for me right here. Cant believe classes have come and gone. And i have learnt so much. Thank you to Dr. D.Y. for teaching and pushing me to think beyond my limits, to reach for ideas I thought I didn't have access to. You have taught me to question things and to read between the lines. Most importantly I've learned to be critical and to have the passion in research (tough, but I'll try to keep it going).

btw this dog reminds me of me. I would think it's an introvert =) :

1 more week of lectures and presentation and I've survived the semester!!!! wohohohohooo.

 Is this sem tougher than last sem? Hmm. yes and no. yes is because this sem, strict but brilliant lecturers expect the best from you and you're pressured to perform and push your boundaries. a good kind of pressure, no? And no because this sem I've sort of gotten the hang of the workload and burden of it, unlike last sem where it was freaking overwhelming for me. 

overall, I can't wait for the break!!! omnomnomnom 

I sent a thank you email to my lecturer recently and I made sure that every word was intentional and a true reflection of what I've learnt from the class and what I thought of his/her teaching -- which was of sheer intelligence & brilliance. But my lecturer had a different point of view; he/she ended the reply with "P.S. no extra marks for flattering me ya". 

-___-" why can't thanks be accepted when it's due? ok after re-reading my email it seemed I may have went a tad overboard with the compliments but when I was penning it, it all came from my mind and heart! as in whatever I feel, I just type it in. I had no intention of fishing for extra marks. Or maybe my lecturer was just joking? but then no emoticons were included. Hm. 

Plus, I very well can't explain and justify myself over email right? I will sound like a school kid, whining and defending myself (altho I did actually reply but a diplomatic one-liner sentence ha ha). Lesson learnt; one man's meat is another man's poison. What may look like a sincere expression of thanks to me may appear differently to the other person at the end of the line.

but ironically, why am I feeling sorry and embarrassed for sending a thank you email? I certainly shouldn't feel that way at all considering the fact that I sincerely sent it to thank my lecturer for all he/she has done. and yet... his/her perception of my sincerity has made me feel small & silly.

Or am I taking things too seriously? lol. perhaps. see, this is what introverts go through. we internalize our thoughts and feelings way too much hah.

but anyway, this is life. deal with it. 

And dealt with it I have, taking it with a pinch of salt. I'll still send thank you emails though haha because I feel lecturers should be given appreciation and thanks for their time and effort spent in teaching students. 

ideas are cheap; execution is expensive

Today I had the most thought-provoking session of my research methodology class and also in my entire undergrad + postgrad experience in uni. My lecturer (who is awesome) asked us questions that prompted us to look at ourselves and our code of conduct i.e. our integrity and ethics in research. those questions allowed us to express our opinions regardless whether we're right or wrong and boy, did we have a lively session of question after question. At least that's what I felt. 

Take-home points were:

 1. ideas are cheap (that was like quite mindblown. We throw ideas around like it's free (and it is haha) but then the process of making those ideas into reality takes a lot of effort and hard work)

2. at the end of the day, no one else will hold us accountable for our integrity and ethics in research except us ourselves... and God. we can lie, bluff and BS all the way to get a degree but who is accountable for that? No one but us. And Dr. David ended with this: "when in doubt, choose the best moral path". 

My brain just had to pause for a while to process all of this. Shucks. Is this what adulting or critically processing information feels like? Being pushed into our minds to critically evaluate and probe life?? :O 

I have to thank Dr. David for that. He & Dr. Leela are the best lecturers I've ever encountered in my entire uni experience and I'm very privileged to have learnt from them. So outstanding in their own element. 

Just penning down some after-ten-o'clock thoughts before I sleep or maybe do a bit of work. ttfn :) 

ahahaha i love love puns. Plus, I'm a downright procrasti-later :P

these are real snapshots taken by my friend last year (i think). He went to New zealand (?) or was it UK. Looks very surreal and instagram-worthy right. I like the calmness and serenity going on there, no stress of eating knotted grass. I wish I could be there, spreading a mat on the grass with packed sandwiches and just do some cow/lamb-watching. 

Entering week 8 with much trepidation because that's when the workload starts to pile up T.T unfinished assignments that I need to address soon because whenever a day passes by, it reminds me of the deadline drawing nearer. T.T 

recently i went for an interview together with my coursemates. It came as a surprise as I was not expecting anything at all... anyways, I went for it on thurs and it was a relatively easy and smooth one as the tough questions were not directed at me but at the other candidates from other universities. I wonder why. I was sort of bored because they kept talking and beating round the bush until the interviewers cut them off. And then kena tembak sumore, gulp. At one point I could not understand what the interviewees were rambling about until the frown that I was holding back so badly decided to unleash itself across my forehead. oops. perhaps talking a lot does not mean that one is knowledgeable. 

I'm glad that's passed so that I can give my full attention in completing my assignments. The reason why I've been putting my assignments off is because I am clueless on which angle to approach. T.T and the deadline is 4 days away omggg shiz

ok la signing off now. ttfn

I was cleaning out my room one day and decided to open up a treasure trove of memories;

all birthday/christmas/farewell/encouragement cards, notes and letters were kept in this drawer over the years. Reading them brought smiles, chuckles and assurance of the friendships built over the years. Sigh.. (a good kind of sigh tho). I love stuff like these. I like to keep all the handwritten notes because words carry more weight i guess. It's just a very thoughtful thing to do, writing notes to people. 

Week 4 is coming to end already, so fast. and i haven't thought of a topic for my dissertation yet shizz. The weeks sure end faster in masters compared to undergrad pfft. I can't buy more time. T.T 

I'm glad Cherie created this whatsapp group for us unemployed masters ppl lol. It's a nice feeling to get acquainted again with old pals. Looking forward to our soon-to-be meet up to rant and just... de-stress I guess. I want nandos! or Wendy's. or korean/jap food. 

recently I sent my 5-yr-old car to the workshop to fix the aircon. Susah hati man, my dad forking out more $ and also i feel useless not having my own transportation to drive around & have to depend on dad to send me. :(  When we're older in our mid-20s we try not to burden our old folks so much already. They shouldn't worry about us anymore..

ok tht's all for today... ciaoz

comfort in the sound

i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
i'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises, your love is gona drown

-"Marching bands of Manhattan", DCFC-

one of a kind

In life, it's the people we meet that inspire, excite, motivate and captivate us. One such person is my current lecturer, Dr. David. 4 hours of his class and I literally can't take my eyes off him because he's that exuberant and lively, coupled with the fact that he knows his stuff freaking well. he gets excited over research and the processes involved in it and his excitement is contagious and spell-binding. Gosh.. I've never come across a lecturer like him who loves his work with a fervent passion and is elated to pass on knowledge to his students. Basically he loves devouring knowledge.

Meeting a lecturer like him stirs the inquisitive spirit in me that has been laying dormant for far too long, waiting to be awakened. And because of his fervour and high standards that he sets, we are motivated to achieve and to test our limits, whether it can still be pushed further. this blog post does no justice to his excellent work and brilliance in his field and as a person of wisdom.

Haha well that pretty sums up the most exciting encounter in my week. But seriously, it's really the people we meet that inspire us, right? in small or big ways. our circle of friends matter too. If we surround ourselves with friends who only think about korean dramas, gossip, shopping and eating the best food in town, then where is the growth in maturity? Ok la we do need some of these but there ought to be a good balance between light, no-brainer fluff and heavy, thought-provoking questions about life, albeit it's perfectly fine if the scale tips towards the latter.

ah well.. welcome to the daily ponderings that goes on in my introverted mind. gah

hello... it's been a while since i've blogged. 

my cny was a quiet one; went back to parents' hometown and came back to a quiet PJ. I like PJ when there's less cars. Very easy to drive around (especially places like ss2). i have  one more week of sem break before the new sem begins :S sigh. i always question my decision but I guess I'll trudge on since one leg is in already.

and guess what, we're in Feb already omg... can't believe January flew by just like that. where has time gone to?! i do hope i'm making memories to be kept rather than living day by day without remembering anything. or! i could do a daily journal about significant/insignificant events tht happen in a day... if i'm not lazy :P

i feel like the flow of my blog post is terpesong la.. no structure but very random. losing my blogging mojo. i tend to wonder what are my uni mates up to.. have they started working? or continuing with postgrad? or taking a break and doing some soul-searching/travelling? whatever it is, this year is a new year for us with many new things like making new friends etc... it's the circle of life that never sleeps T.T

ok i bid you farewell for now.. i dont know what else to talk about ;p

printing a few of this and stashing it in my car just incase i meet individuals who need help with their parking skills hehe. i mean, c'mon, this is totally harmless right, compared to the crude messages people usually write :B feel free to save this pic and stash it in your car too

everything is right about this. 

day 14 of sem break: it's going great, but when your mind is idle, you get bored and restless. I need to remember my responsibilities that have been entrusted to me :0 no escaping reality but I would like to, either through daydream or watching time pass by.

sigh

Finally, i've been waiting so long for this moment; i have no more exams! sem 1 done and dusted! it has been very busy, tiring but quite fun on a whole. I've learnt so so much in 1 sem compared to the 4 years in undergrad. undergrad and master's is a huge jump and I would caution anyone who thinks it's an easy walk in the park -- because hell no it's not. 

undergrad is really nothing compared to master's. if you're already struggling in undergrad, i suggest you don't go masters because you'll drown no doubt.... unless of course you decided to be hardworking and quit procrastinating... (how many of us have made this promise but always fail to do so?)

anyway... i'm so happy i get to rest now for a while and recharge. I needa remind myself to keep swimming like Dory from finding nemo. i can do this, i know i can! 

cheers everyone. fresh new year, new responsibilities, new perspective, new circle of friends, new everything lah :B

Happy new year everyone :) I'm sure we all have reflected on 2015 on our mistakes, happy and sad moments and things we can improve on. I know I did through journaling. I guess this year I don't have much resolutions as I'm being as realistic as possible to have achievable ones. 

this year is the year that i'm turning a quarter of a 100!!! aghhh. it's like 5 years away from 30. five... and when I think about it, have I matured? Somehow no, but somehow yes. sigh.. I want to stay forever 21. but no... we have to grow up and be an adult. 1/4 of a 100 is like you're halfway through young adulthood.. just 5 years away form being a real adult. zzz. 

just one of my ponderings. I also am contented with my small circle of friends. I realize I don't need big ones (but networking is important in life tho), just a few good and close friends will do. Most important is familial relationships. 

cheers to 2016.